a new beginning

So this is my first blog post in a while. I went through and deleted all my old posts because this is a new beginning for me. So much has happened over the past 4 years of my life that I don't know where to begin. I have been through bitterness, anger, loneliness, rejection, frustration and a whole list of other emotions that have wreaked havoc on my life. I am not sure how much i will blog on here because of my hectic schedule and super busy life, but i will attempt to share my thoughts and feelings a few times a week.

Since this is a new beginning, I feel it is important to understand where I came from. No, not talking about my parents, or a some random hospital bed in a maternity ward of some hospital in Concord, Massachusetts. No I am talking about the circumstances and situations that brought me to my present location, attitude and general outlook on life that i currently hold.

My world was rocked 4 years ago, when my marriage of 12 years imploded on me and my kids. When the smoke finally cleared i found myself a bitter, lonely, 34 year old father of 2 girls and one boy. I had no idea what the future had in store for me and neither did I care. All i knew was that my biggest fear of being alone had come true. I know, I know, I really wasn't alone. I mean, I had my kids right? Well, I have never felt so alone! I have never felt so rejected! I have never felt like such a failure as a father, a man and a human being.

I lost all of my faith in God, all of my faith in the church, all of my faith in my friends, and all of my faith in life in general. I was simply going through the motions of life. Waking up daily, getting the kids ready for school, going to work, coming home, going to bed. I suffered a serious depression and for the first time in my life admitted that I needed help. I went to the doctor and against every sense of manly pride I asked the doctor for some form of medication to help with my depression. She put me on some drug that only made my desire to live that much less. After several weeks of severe depression, I returned to the doctor and was placed on a different medication which turned my mental status around. I was still depressed, but could actually cope with life. And coping with life was such huge relief!

Looking back now, i realize that it was the start of an incredible journey that took me to the depths of my very soul, made me question everything about everything! It made me question my friendships, my relationship or lack thereof with God, the church, my role as a father, and what i wanted in a new life partner. This journey took me to the absolute bottom of the deepest valley i could ever be in. Yet it also made me realize that no matter what I went through, no matter how hard my struggles were, that I could succeed! That I could survive!

My struggles gave me a fresh new outlook on life, on friends, on God, on church, on my kids and on my desires for a new soulmate to share life with! So i ask you to stick with me on this journey, as I share with you my experiences, my feelings, my emotions, my victories and my failures! My hope is that you will draw inspiration from me no matter what stage of life's journey you are in!

E