Halloween 2012

ok friends and followers.  it's been a while since i've blogged and much has happened.  since my last post i have had the awesome joy and privilege of marrying my best friend, my companion, sasha brewer.  life has been so incredible and fun with her.  we connect on such a great level.  i didnt realize that life and marriage could be like this.  over the next few posts i will be sharing things that i have learned from my incredible marriage.  keep in mind that we are but newly weds.  we have been married for 2 months now and are learning every day.

you see, i believe that marriage is a total 100% commitment that must be worked on by both people.  it is a sacred institution that too many people bail on today without giving it much of a chance.  i dont know what the future holds for us, but i know that with God's help and with our undying love for one another the future looks bright.  i know, i know, very cliche, but believe me when i say it.  i have never felt love like this before.  i have never been loved like this before.  i have never felt so respected and appreciated and honored as i do now.

this is not the first time around in marriage for me.  i was married once for 12 years and things just didnt work out.  i did gain 3 beautiful children but had given up on the idea of love.  i felt that love was a myth, a legend, something that previous generations had but that was no longer in existence.  i felt in my heart that i could never trust again, never love again, never enjoy life with someone again.  the wounds that i carried were almost too much to bear and i wanted to give up so many times.  i tried dating around but that just ended up in frustration and loneliness.  then in october of 2011 i decided to quit trying on my own and just allow God to take over.  sounds simple yet it is not.  you see, i am a man who gets things done on my own, without the help of others.  so by trusting in God i was taking control out of my hands and putting my control and faith in a God whom quite frankly i didnt know if i could trust.

so to make a long story short i met sasha brewer through some friends of mine.  initially i was skeptical yet every time i spoke to her i felt in my heart and spirit something new and fresh.  our friendship was different and special.  she had also been hurt in a previous marriage and had also given up and allowed God to work in her life at the same time that i had made that decision.  things went into motion and soon we both realized that what we had was different that anything we had ever experienced before.  friends of ours did their very best to keep us apart.  men hit on sasha, women hit on me, old friends that we both had trusted turned their backs on us, but God never did.  every time that someone hurt us or tried to keep us apart, God would give us 10 reasons to stay together.

soon we both began to realize that this was way bigger than us.  God has a plan for me, for us, for our family.  i dont know what that is, but as we spend time together in prayer, in bible study it becomes ever clear that God is in our relationship.  it has not been a cake walk by any means.  as i said many people were and still are against us.  many of our so called friends have turned their backs on us and done what they can to split us apart.  but we made a commitment to each other.  for better or worse, in richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.  and guess what, we have experienced all of that in the short time that we have been together.  but we are still going strong, madly in love with one another.

you see, i think the big difference in this marriage and others that i see around us and others that i have experienced is that we both are totally dedicated to meeting each others needs on a daily basis.  we have kept life simple and real between us.  we have made a conscious decision to talk on a daily basis and if something is bothering us then we openly talk about it in a mature and adult manner.  not character assassination or humiliation but open and honest communication.  and so far this formula is working.  we have dedicated one night a week for just us.  i hate to call it a date night because the church has made it so cliche, so i call it our night.  its a night or day when we just spend time with each other, laughing, telling jokes, sharing life and enjoying life.

i have never been happier!  i plan on chronicling our journey together sharing the wins and the losses.  i know we  have a lifetime of experiences to learn from and grow from but one thing for certain is that there is no one else on this planet that i would want to share it with.  i love sasha giraldo.  she completes me, she uplifts me and encourages me.  she is the most amazing woman, wife and friend that i could ever ask for or want.  her cooking is amazing, our conversation is deep and relevant.  our times together are fun and exciting.  i am madly in love with sasha!  i thank God every day for putting us together.

so stick with me as i try to encourage those of you out there who have lost your love for your wife or those of you whose marriage has grown stale.  i dont have all the answers and dont claim to, but what i do have is honesty and God.  i hope to hear from you soon!

e

Joy in Pain

One thing that I've discovered over my 4 year journey of loneliness and sorrow and discouragement is that there is joy in pain. Yes, I know that sounds weird, almost surreal, but trust me when I say that there IS joy in pain. There is joy in suffering, there is joy in heartache, there is joy in discouragement. Oh sure, while you are going through the heartache or suffering, it may not seem very joyful, but in all actuality it's just a matter of perspective.

Truth be told, life is just a matter of perspective. Let me explain it like this. Your pain, your suffering, your heartache, your discouragement is the biggest thing in the world to you at that time. It consumes your every thought, your every action, your every decision. In your perspective, from the way you see things, this thing that haunts you is set out to destroy you and from your point of view, it is succeeding. But that's exactly it, it's from your point of view! It's from your perspective! This is why suffering in silence and loneliness is difficult and dangerous.

We need the counsel of others, the encouragement of others, the direction of others when we are down and out. Keep in mind though, that it needs to be people or friends of reputable character and not some bum that just comes around to leach off of you. Yes, there are people who call themselves your friends, who only come around when they need something. Those people don't care about you at all! They are selfish and need to be put out of your life. But that's for another post at a later time.

When you're down and out and going through the tough times in life, you need to band together with the positive thinkers, the optimists, the friends who are going to love you and push you through your troubles and onto greater things. I remember hearing a story of a young lady who was whining (as she always did) to another friend because she could not afford to go on vacation that year. What this whiner didn't stop to realize was that the person she was complaining to had suffered greatly over the past 12 months. Suffering from health issues, personal tragedies of deaht and loss in her life. This was obviously not the person to be complaining to about a silly vacation. Surround yourself with positive people who understand and can relate to what your going through and allow them to encourage you in any way that they can!

So how do we find joy in pain? In my opinion it's also a matter of perspective. Remember I told you that I am generally a pessimist. (for those of you with a public school education that means that I look at the negative side of things....lol) One thing that I've learned over the past 4 years is how to look at the bright side of things. Now, I have not always done that. Actually, I've only done it once in 4 years...lol Regardless of my track record of failures in optimism, the truth is still the same! Learn to look at the bright side of everything! Learn to make every mountain that you are climbing just a stepping stone onto something better.

Let me put it this way. My marriage was torn apart 4 years ago. I won't ever get into that because I believe that it was both of our faults. I take 100% responsibility for losing my wife. But what I did gain was an opportunity to spend 4 wonderful years with my children. You see, I have full custody of my kids and I love every minute that I get to spend with them! We go to the park, we play ball, we play video games, we go get ice cream, we eat pizza in the living room and we do a bunch of other things that I took for granted before. It's a matter of perspective! After a while the hurt and pain of being alone was gone or either numb and I focused everything I had on my kids. I am so thankful for the opportunities that I have had with all 3 of my children over the past several years. I have been able to do things, share in experiences, live, laugh and love with them and watch them grown and mature. I used the mountain that I was climbing of being a single dad and turned it into a challenge to raise the best 3 kids that I possible could. And let me tell you that I have found much joy in pain. Everytime I would get down and depressed and feel sorry for myself, my kids would do something to make me laugh and remember that the past is not what's important, but the present here and now with my kids.

I also learned to love better and deeper. Unfortunately this took some practice and I have left a wake of destruction of hurt feelings, hurt emotions and heartache along the way. I always said that I would never get remarried or never get serious with another girl because I was so jaded and had lost faith in the purity of true love. But then wouldn't you know it, just when I gave up and decided that I was going to grow old and alone that God brought me my dream girl! I'll talk about her in another post, but let me just say that she loves me in ways that I never thought were possible. And I'm not talking about just physical love, I'm talking about true, deep, emotional love the way love was supposed to be. Like I said, I will devote a whole blog or two to her at a later time, but my point is that in the midst of the pain and heartache and loneliness, I found joy!

In a nutshell, it's about making the most out of a bad situation. Make it a point to learn how to not look at the negatives, not to get down on yourself and play the pity party with yourself. Suck it up, go into a closet and cry for a few minutes if you need to, but come out and take on that mountain with a different perspective. Ask yourself, what positives are in this? What can I learn from this? How will this make me a better person? I promise you, that if you look at it from that perspective, then you will find joy in pain.

I remember a friend of mine telling me a few months ago to suck it up, learn from this and move on. You see, I was feeling sorry for myself over something minor that I had turned into a mountain. She told me learn from this, look at the positives and move on. Guess what, I did and what a difference it made! I have learned to love deeper, laugh harder, play more and have a much better outlook on life!

So I leave you with this: no matter what your going through, there is always a positive side somewhere in there. There can be joy in pain, there can be joy in your circumstances. Maybe not right away or maybe not even a week from now, but if you learn to change your perspective and attitude then you can get through this a lot quicker. It's ok to mourn and grieve, it's natural, but please don't let that consume you. Find the positives and live life to the fullest! Life is too short to dwell on the negatives!

e

a new beginning

So this is my first blog post in a while. I went through and deleted all my old posts because this is a new beginning for me. So much has happened over the past 4 years of my life that I don't know where to begin. I have been through bitterness, anger, loneliness, rejection, frustration and a whole list of other emotions that have wreaked havoc on my life. I am not sure how much i will blog on here because of my hectic schedule and super busy life, but i will attempt to share my thoughts and feelings a few times a week.

Since this is a new beginning, I feel it is important to understand where I came from. No, not talking about my parents, or a some random hospital bed in a maternity ward of some hospital in Concord, Massachusetts. No I am talking about the circumstances and situations that brought me to my present location, attitude and general outlook on life that i currently hold.

My world was rocked 4 years ago, when my marriage of 12 years imploded on me and my kids. When the smoke finally cleared i found myself a bitter, lonely, 34 year old father of 2 girls and one boy. I had no idea what the future had in store for me and neither did I care. All i knew was that my biggest fear of being alone had come true. I know, I know, I really wasn't alone. I mean, I had my kids right? Well, I have never felt so alone! I have never felt so rejected! I have never felt like such a failure as a father, a man and a human being.

I lost all of my faith in God, all of my faith in the church, all of my faith in my friends, and all of my faith in life in general. I was simply going through the motions of life. Waking up daily, getting the kids ready for school, going to work, coming home, going to bed. I suffered a serious depression and for the first time in my life admitted that I needed help. I went to the doctor and against every sense of manly pride I asked the doctor for some form of medication to help with my depression. She put me on some drug that only made my desire to live that much less. After several weeks of severe depression, I returned to the doctor and was placed on a different medication which turned my mental status around. I was still depressed, but could actually cope with life. And coping with life was such huge relief!

Looking back now, i realize that it was the start of an incredible journey that took me to the depths of my very soul, made me question everything about everything! It made me question my friendships, my relationship or lack thereof with God, the church, my role as a father, and what i wanted in a new life partner. This journey took me to the absolute bottom of the deepest valley i could ever be in. Yet it also made me realize that no matter what I went through, no matter how hard my struggles were, that I could succeed! That I could survive!

My struggles gave me a fresh new outlook on life, on friends, on God, on church, on my kids and on my desires for a new soulmate to share life with! So i ask you to stick with me on this journey, as I share with you my experiences, my feelings, my emotions, my victories and my failures! My hope is that you will draw inspiration from me no matter what stage of life's journey you are in!

E